One of the questions I frequently get asked by my clients, (married or single) is how to reconcile or get back together after a separation, break up, or a big blow up. They also want to know if it’s possible for a relationship to work the second time around. Besides the two of you, there are two other things to consider:
1. Taking It Slow
When you are first getting back together, it makes sense to take the relationship slow. When you broke up, one or both of you were willing to walk away from the relationship. This may have resulted in bruised egos and wounded hearts. Although it is understandable to be thrilled that you are reunited, don’t minimize the hurt of the break up by acting like nothing happened. If you are still so angry that every conversation turns into the blame game and you are keeping score of who hurt the other more, you are not ready to reconcile.
Getting back together has a better chance of working when both parties are willing to talk and willing to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship. The road back to a renewed relationship will take time, patience, understanding, and commitment. Having a break up and getting back together too quickly can contribute to a continuing chaotic relationship.
And keep in mind that starting over does not mean starting from scratch; you are entering this new phase with greater self-knowledge and life experience. Slowly rebuild the relationship, by taking time to heal from the hurt of the break up and reestablish trust in the relationship. Forgiving your partner is not a single event but a gradual process of increasing compassion and reducing resentment.
2. Thoughtfully Considering What Brought About the Break Up
There is probably no point in getting back together after a breakup if nothing is going to change. Consider what brought about the failure of the relationship. Evaluate your relationship, and be willing to own what part you played in its demise.
Some questions to think about are:
- ▪ Were there pressures building in the relationship?
- ▪ How can those pressures be better addressed in the future?
- ▪ What mistakes were made the first time around?
- ▪ How can these mistakes be avoided in the future?
- ▪ What was your contribution to the relationship break up?
- ▪ Are you both trying to make the relationship work?
- ▪ Are you and your partner accepting responsibility to work to improve the relationship?
Helping you build your ideal life and your ideal relationships
- ▪ A relationship is only as strong as the least committed person. SO Take Action To Make The Relationship Work.
There are many lessons to be learned from the break up. After recovering from the pain and disappointment of the break up, use these lessons to keep you from taking the relationship or your partner for granted. As you move forward ask yourself:
- ▪ How can I better express my love and appreciation to my partner?
- ▪ How can I be more loving and attentive toward my partner?
- ▪ Am I making enough time for my partner, how can we make the most of this time?
- ▪ How can I improve the communication with my partner?
- ▪ How can we work together as a team to achieve our mutual goals; am I helping my partner achieve their goals?
After you both have had time to thoughtfully consider why the relationship failed the first time around, and agreed on the areas you will both commit to work on, check in with each other and discuss the areas that have improved. Remember to be positive, point out what’s working.
- ▪ Healthy communication in a relationship relies heavily on positive feedback
- ▪ An ideal ratio is 5 positive comments for every negative comment.
If you are having a tough time working through your issues as a couple, it might be worthwhile to consider going to couple’s counseling. As a couple’s counselor I can help guide you as you explore the unresolved issues in your relationship and offer strategies that will keep the relationship on track.
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