January is traditionally the month of the “overhaul.” We set goals to change our bodies, our habits, and our schedules. But beneath many of our resolutions lies a quiet, uncomfortable question: “Am I enough as I am?”
Lately, I’ve been diving into Robert Holden’s Loveability, and it has completely shifted my perspective on how to start this year. Holden’s central message is simple yet radical: You do not have to become lovable; you are love.
Moving From “Project” to “Presence”
Most New Year’s resolutions treat the self as a project to be managed. We think if we work hard enough, we will finally earn the right to love ourselves. Holden argues the opposite. If we don’t start with a foundation of being “lovable,” any change we make will be temporary because it’s rooted in self-criticism.
Three Lessons for a More Compassionate January:
- Stop the “Search”: We often look for validation in our achievements or from others. This month, try to notice when you are “auditioning” for love. Remember: Love is your nature, not a paycheck.
- Identify the “Vows”: Holden speaks about the unconscious vows we make to be unhappy or hard on ourselves. This January, I’m “unsubscribing” from the vow that says I have to be perfect to be worthy.
- The Goal of Self-Acceptance: What if your only goal for the month was to be on your own side? When we stop fighting ourselves, we actually have more energy to create the habits that serve us.
A New Kind of Resolution
Instead of a list of things to change, I’m leaning into a “Loveability” mindset. It’s not about doing more; it’s about removing the barriers we’ve built against the love that is already there.
As Holden says: “Love is not a reward for being good; it is the source of all goodness.”
Don’t worry about your resolutions for a moment. Instead, just ask: ‘How can I shine a little brighter in this specific moment?’ You might find that when you shine out, the habits you were trying so hard to change start to shift all on their own.
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